Uncrushed Basketcase

("Two Shots Up", "Killer", and Me at a party on Sunday)

I've been a basket-case all week. I think I've cried about 4 times, including through half of my acting class today (which was so uncomfortable... for everyone).

And I don't even really know why. I think it's just that everything started building up. I cried reading a play. I cried talking to my roommates. I cried through half of my acting class today for no apparent reason. I think it's all out of my system now, but I've been wearing my emotions for the last 72 hours.

I've been debating how much of my school existence to put on here. On the one hand, I really don't want anyone from school to find this blog and stumble upon things that I don't want them to know (they all know I'm a blogger, but I directed them towards my other blog, so that they won't come looking for this one. So far, so good... On the other hand, I really want to be able to blog about this stuff, as that's the way I deal with most of my problems...

Anyway, I guess this post is my test run, to see how comfortable (or not) I am with this sort of stuff. Wish me luck.


I think I'm a pretty smart cookie, but it's getting me into trouble. I monopolized a class discussion on Oedipus on Tuesday (but honestly, I was frustrated, fired up, and speaking in an intelligent manner the entire time... I think my professor appreciated it, but I don't know it my classmates were okay with it or not). I challenged a couple of my classmates' opinions in voice class (which we were encouraged to do by the professor) and they seemed offended (especially when I was right). And I'm worried that I might get a reputation for being intellectually prickly, which is the last thing I want.

Also, I think I offended a professor this week. Actually, potentially two professors. Why? Because I don't much like dogs and was pretty vocal about it... and they both happen to have dogs that they treat like their children. And the one professor told the other professor about it. And the whole 2nd-year class is mad at me because now the one professor isn't going to bring in her dog to class this year like she did last year as a result of it. Gah! I don't think I should have to be sorry for not wanting a dog in my voice class while I'm doing relaxation exercises. She asked if dogs make anyone uncomfortable, and I didn't think I should have to lie and act like I love them.

Whatever.

It's just been a long week.

And on top of that drama, AND all the school work I'm doing, there is the social aspect of things. And that, as one would expect, is complicated.

I went to a party on Sunday that was held at the house of two people who are donors for the program that I'm at. They had an open bar and a hot tub, so I think we all knew that there were going to be weird situations that arose by the end of the night. Let's just say that I have a lot of pictures that didn't make it to Facebook.

Two of my classmates looked like they were about 5 seconds away from making out THE ENTIRE NIGHT. He seemed to have forgotten that he has a SERIOUS girlfriend (who is moving down here for him in a few months). It was making me hideously uncomfortable.

Another of my classmates with a girlfriend was acting single, in what I'm sure was an alcohol-induced string of bad decisions. He tried to seduce my roommate. He leaned down and kissed my breast mid-conversation (COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE!!!). I'm pretty sure I saw him kiss a 2nd-year. And by the end of the night, he'd gotten into a fist-fight with a 3rd-year in a hot tub. (That was actually when I decided it was time for me to leave...)

As you may recall, all the males in my class are out-of-bounds for one reason or another. One is married, four are in serious relationships, one is gay, and one only dates "big booty hoes who like to freak" (which does not describe any of the females in this program).

One of the guys in my class is really awesome, and I really want to become good friends with him. He and I have similar tastes and a lot in common. I wrote on his facebook wall back in the summer that I had decided that he and I would be best friends once we got down here. But I haven't gotten that many opportunities to hang out with him. I finally did at this party, where he was appropriately intoxicated.

I talked with him a bunch, and he's just as cool as I thought he would be. In fact, I think I actually prefer him with booze in his system. The Drunk version is even funnier, cooler, and more adorable than the Regular version (I said the entirety of that sentence to someone else about him while standing directly next to him at one point). It was like Jim Carrey in The Mask. Regular him, but to the nth degree (I said that to him). Loved it.

For the record, I do not want to jump him. I think he's fascinating and awesome, but I think that in an "oh my God, we need to be best friends" kind of way, not an "I want his balls" kind of way. A completely non-sexual sort of crush. Also, I should reiterate that he has a girlfriend whom he seems very serious about. Therefore, I haven't been concerned about him crossing out of "As Good As Gay" territory.

Moving on (I swear there was a point to all of that)...

Okay, so in class on Tuesday, we had this exercise where you had to ambush your partner with a question as the class watched. First, you were supposed to clear your mind, then make a silent connection with the partner, and then ask a question based off of what you received from the partner.

One of the ambush scenarios between my classmates went something like this...
ONE: Do you want to be here?
TWO: No. This is just school. It's not interesting.
ONE: Then why are you here?
TWO: Because it's free.

I'll allow you to imagine how upset I was by that. I'm offended that there is someone in my class who is not grateful to be in this program. He takes it for granted. I don't think he even much likes it. This, I maintain, is the problem with people going to grad school straight out of undergrad: they don't appreciate it as much. It just seems like more of the same.

ETA: I realize that this does not apply to ALL people who go to grad school straight out of undergrad. I was still bitter when I wrote those words.

Anyway. I had to ambush the cool guy from my class directly after that. I had to work hard to clear my mind. If I hadn't, I'm sure I would've asked him "Are you resentful that someone in our class doesn't want to be here?", because that's what was really on my mind.

But I looked at him. And I thought about him performing magic tricks. And his ability to throw cards like weapons. And how he tells these crazy stories at parties. He's kind of a natural entertainer... And suddenly I wondered if he knew that those were the things that I associated with him. So I decided to ask, but it didn't come out the way I intended.

And so, sitting a couple of feet away from him, locking eyes with him, with the entire class watching, I asked, "How do you think I feel about you?"

He stared at me with a look of disbelief and started to blush. He didn't answer for about 5 seconds, which seemed way longer than it was. And in those 5 seconds, I knew what was going through his head. And I couldn't help but wonder if my classmates saw the same thing...

He totally thinks I have a crush on him.

Frak.

And the way the question came out of my mouth (as I replayed it over and over in my head) sounded somewhat flirtatious.

Double frak.

He stumbled over his words for a second. He ended up saying something about how he thought that I thought we had a lot in common, and that I looked to him as someone who could be my buddy... but his eyes told me that he was censoring himself. My professor saw it, too, (based on the way he was choosing his words so carefully as he answered) and called him out on it.

Some of my classmates complimented the question, as it clearly ambushed him in exactly the way we were supposed to. He was shocked by the question and couldn't answer it without becoming intrinsically focused, at least momentarily. It was probably one of the most successful questions of the entire exercise (and we spent at least 90 minutes on this).

The professor, unsatisfied with his self-censoring, made me ambush him again. And then again after that.

Finally, he ambushed me.

HIM: Do you find security in your hair?
ME: ... Sometimes.
HIM: Is that why you're afraid to cut it?
ME: ... Maybe. Partially.

The professor moved on from there. I didn't say what I wanted to say. I censored myself. I just didn't get caught.

What I should've said?

No. I'm afraid to cut my hair because I'm worried I won't be beautiful if I do. I'm afraid that men won't find me attractive. That's the real reason that I'm not going to cut it.

To go deeper... It probably has something to do with the men from my past. Pretty much all of them have had a thing for my hair. For example, if I cut my hair off and Brian stopped thinking I was beautiful... I don't think I could handle it.

How pathetic is that?

Obviously, I felt weird saying any of that in front of my class. Especially to this new pseudo-friend of mine, in light of the other ambush question that I had just asked him. Which is dumb. Particularly because I know that he prefers short hair on girls, so me saying that might have actually made him feel less like I wanted to jump him.

Oh well.

I actually went and apologized to my professor after class for not being open on that exercise. But I felt so weird about the earlier ambush question... And so vulnerable from the second.

Anyway. I still feel weird about the whole first-ambush thing. I don't know how much the rest of the class picked up on. I don't know how much they know about me telling him repeatedly that we're destined to be friends. I don't know if they know how many pictures I took of me and him at that party. I don't know if he even remembers that I called him cute and funny at the party (which I did NOT mean as flirting... I meant it sort of in a brother/sister way). I don't know if anyone else thought that I was flirting with him when I asked that question. I don't know if they noticed him blushing and pieced together why. I DON'T KNOW.

I feel awkward. Way awkward.

Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe he knows that I only think of him as a friend, and I'm completely over-reacting. I have, after all, been known to over-think things from time to time.

But in that moment? Horrible.



So there's one more thing I should mention about that party on Sunday...

I believe I mentioned that there's a guy who works for the theatre whom I thought might be flirting with me. Well, apparently he confessed to his roommate that he has a crush on a different girl in my class. I'm not sure how I felt about that when I first found out... Not really relieved, not really jealous, not really offended... But not apathetic, either. I felt something about it... Just nothing identifiable.

Anyway. Since I had learned that he was interested in someone else, I was able to mentally file him under "As Good As Gay". And I ended up having a long conversation with him at the party. And, unless I'm mistaken, I think he was kind of flirty... And I may have been flirty back... By the end of the night, he'd offered to cook me dinner and said he wanted to take me camping (both of those subjects arose organically and didn't sound like skeezy pick-up lines, I swear). As the conversation continued, he made both sound more like "group gatherings", but I couldn't help but wonder if there was something else implied. He wasn't asking me on a date, was he?

So Tuesday after class, I heard his roommate (one of my classmates) talking to the classmate of mine that he is rumored to have a crush on. He invited her to dinner at his place, saying "[roommate] has been itching to cook dinner for someone other than just me." So maybe I'm completely over-thinking the dinner and it really was just a friend thing. Or did he get his roommate to ask this particular girl because he has a thing for her?...

So, yeah. I feel weird about the classmate who thinks I might have a crush on him. And I also feel weird about this guy who may or may not be flirting with me. I actually feel more uncomfortable about two of the guys here who are really nice to me and I genuinely like than I feel about the guy who kissed my breast or the guy who thinks I'm trying to rape him with my hugs. That's some bizarre psychology, isn't it?

See, this is why I can't get involved with anyone here. I'm not even CLOSE to being involved with anyone, and it's already awkward and uncomfortable. Blergh.

It's so much better to just stay uncrushed.


May your non-sexual crushes not get complicated.

~A~